Prongs' List of Forbidden Wooing Techniques
by CaramelBoost
Summary: James bloody Potter has stolen Lily's knickers for the last time. Now he's got a list; a list of things he can't do around Lily. Will he stick to it? Doubtfully. Is it going to be pretty? Not likely. Third out of Four companion pieces JamesxLily Oneshot


**I'm off hiatus!  
And I love you all sexually.**

**Dedicated to:** _E_, because she's the one who came up with the idea for it –glomps- she's just brilliant that way, an evil genius really, and because I love her to pieces, _Milly_ (from MQ, just to clear it up :D) – because she's Milly and that's excuse enough to dedicate it to her. Plus I adore her Siriusness –, and to _Afniie_, because I'm addicted to her and she's my Lily.

**Note:** This is the third in a four-set companion piece, though it's not necessary to have read the others to read this one. It's just a recommendation if you want to get the list reference in the text below.

**Blatant Advertisement:**

www. maraudersquill. proboards 42 .com (NO SPACES)– a Marauder-era roleplay site, tons of free characters, staff and people very friendly. Come just to chat about the Marauders, or join in on the writing – we even have our own ffnet account, _search us_ at The Marauders Quill RPG

www. gryffindorghost. proboards 106 .com (NO SPACES) – a Golden Trio era roleplay site, very new, so pretty much every one is free. Same as above.

www. phoenixmemory. proboards 58 .com (NO SPACES) – a third generation roleplay site, very new, lots of free characters! Not run by the same people as above, but we all dominate this board too, -grins- Very awesome, you have to at least check it out.

**I will love you if you at least just visit the sites above – you don't have to join, but it's always nice to just check it out.**

_Now, on with our feature presentation.

* * *

_

"POTTER!" Lily screeched as she came tearing through the door to the sixth year boy's dorms. "Potter get your disgusting, filthy arse out here and face me like a man!"

Michelle, Lily's insane best friend who'd pushed her way through the mess that Lily left behind her, snickered, "Not that we think you are one, only that you should just pretend. It would save _a lot_ of time." She ignored Lily's glare and turned to survey the room, where Remus was at a desk poring over an old, ratty parchment that he'd hastily stuffed into a desk drawer and Sirius was laying, head off the bed so he was upside down, staring at them. A moment later, Peter came out of the bathroom to stare nervously at the pair – particularly Michelle who had the terrifying habit of being loud. But no James Potter.

Clearing his throat, Remus stood up and nudged Sirius who'd had a chocolate frog halfway towards his open mouth. "Lily and-" his gaze turned shifty, "-Michelle. What are you two doing in_ here_?" He raised an eyebrow at Lily, "I was under the impression that you wouldn't step foot in here if you weren't forced, and even then…" He trailed off, his scrutinizing gaze shifting from one girl to the other.

"_Potter_ stole my knickers again! I want them back!" Lily shrieked, her face turning redder under her fury.

"Again?!" Sirius complained, "I thought he was over that – that is _so_ fourth year."

Michelle rolled her eyes and glared at Sirius, the sole Marauder she truly could not get along with. "Shut _up_, Black! If we wanted stupid, we'd ask you."

"We want it back," Lily glared, stepping forward to avoid this turning into an argument between her best friend and the second bane of her existence. She turned to Remus, knowing Peter would be useless and Sirius wouldn't be any help; "I want it _back_, Remus." Resisting the urge to stomp her foot, she turned the full force of her anger on the Marauder in a single glance; it was her specialty.

Remus, having been accustomed to Lily's wrath after growing up alongside James and Sirius, ignored her death stare and shrugged his shoulders. "If James really did take it," He got up and went over to James bed, opening a chest and pulling out a box, "It would be in here."

"He keeps her dirty knickers in a _box_?! And just when the boy couldn't get any creepier, he surprises me. It's like, BAM-" Michelle flung her arms out dramatically, "_Creepy_!"

Ignoring her too, Remus opened the box and dumped it over; it was empty. "If it's not in here, he obviously didn't take it. It's where he always puts his 'Lily' things; it's sadly predictable."

"You probably just lost it," Sirius snickered, eyeing Lily with absolute amusement. "Is it a habit of yours to lose knickers? If it is, no wonder James has become a master at stealing your undies, _honestly_ Evans, when you leave them lying about, a stalker is _bound_ to pick them up!"

Peter, who'd been silent, suddenly spoke up. "How do you lose _knickers_?"

"Shut up, Black! You too, Pettigrew!" Lily glared, while Michelle flipped each of them off. Turning back to Remus, Lily, her voice quieter and her face back to its usual pale complexion, spoke. "If James doesn't have it, where is it?"

Shrugging again, Remus closed the box and put it back. "I don't know, have you checked your laundry? Or your dresser?"

"I'm not stupid, Remus." Lily scowled, pursing her lips. When Sirius opened his mouth (Michelle immediately saw this and promptly smacked him on the head with her wand), she groaned, "Shut up, Black!" Sighing, she turned back to Remus, "It's not like James hasn't stolen my knickers before, Remus, so I did have just cause for thinking he did, just because this _one_ time he di-" Lily stopped talking as Remus held up a hand.

"We'll talk to him, Lily." Remus grinned, looking at Sirius, who'd caught on and grinned, "We'll get him to give you your space."

"And I'll have my revenge!" Sirius cackled, falling short as no one joined in. "Fine, no one join in on my evil cackle of doom," He pouted, looking adorably sad at Michelle who couldn't find it in her heart (for once) to smack him.

Rolling his eyes, Remus turned to his friend, "What revenge? I didn't think James had pulled any pranks on you since The Great Marauder War back in third year?"

"The Great Marauder War?" Lily and Michelle echoed, looking at each other in horror.

Gazing darkly at them, Remus muttered, "You don't even want to know," in a low tone.

Ignoring them all completely, Sirius cried, "For that list! That idiotic one you gave me last week!"

Giggling hysterically, Michelle asked, "The one that forbade you to wear a toga?" Getting a misty look in her eyes, she whispered, "I love that list. Now we don't have to clutch our eyes in terror whenever you appear, just in _case_ you happen to be wearing nothing but a towel."

Before Sirius could utter a presumably sexual retort, Remus quickly cut in. "That was _me_, you bloody mork. James had nothing to do with it; he was with you!"

"Oh yeah." Shrugging, Sirius quickly sat up, "Well, if I have to have my own list, it's only fair he does too."

Handing him a spare piece of empty parchment, Lily and Michelle grinned at each other. "We're two steps ahead of you." Lily grinned, "Now get on it."

Sighing as they left the room, Remus went back to the desk, Sirius close behind. "This is going to be brilliant."

**James' List of Forbidden Wooing Techniques  
**By Moony and the Great Padfoot

1-When one of Lily's friends asks me how I think Lily looks today, I may not reply with a "could be better" simply to keep her on her toes.

2- I am not allowed to spontaneously sneak up behind her and push her over. Girls are not animals.

3- I am not allowed to randomly appear in her room in the middle of the night simply to ask her if she's sleeping.

4- Nor may my response be, "You better be!"

5- I may not repeat that during the course of the night.

6- No, that was not a challenge.

7- I am not allowed to play with her hair at will. Especially if I pull on it a little _too_ hard every so often.

8- I may not sneak into her room and steal something like shoes, earrings, socks or anything else that comes in pairs.

9- Nor may I steal only one of the set simply to drive her barmy.

10- I am not allowed to display my amazing wooing techniques with comments such as "Your hair reminds me of a brilliant red firetruck on a warm day," and "Your eyes are as beautiful as green crayon shavings."

11- I am not allowed to nick her bras and panties at leisure, just to show I can. No one likes a show off. Especially when you have no underwear.

12- I may not use obnoxious or overtly sexual pick up lines when talking to her, like, "Is heaven missing a couple of angels? Cause I can see them bouncing around inside your blouse." In fact, I may not talk to her at all unless directly spoken to.

13- Nor may I literally "break the ice" when she is ice skating.

14- When I know that Lily is avoiding me, I am not allowed to stalk her.

15- I am not allowed to loudly point out Lily's mood swings. If she's sad, I must leave her alone; if she's mad, I must stay away from her and if she doesn't want to talk to me, I must not press her. 'nuff said.

16- I am not allowed to claim to predict her future by taking her hand, writing down my name and address and claiming that's what I see in it.

17- I may not greet her each morning with a "I'm going outside to make out… care to join me?"

18- Nor am I allowed to tell her that she makes "Paris Hilton look like a teletubbie."

19- Telling her that she's my happy thought whenever I want to scare the Dementors away is cheesy. I may not do so.

20- I am not allowed to pop some skittles in my mouth and ask if she wants to 'taste the rainbow'.

21- Nor may I inform her that sex is like Pringles: once you pop, you just can't stop.

22- I am not allowed to sneak into her room in the middle of the night and inform her that, "I look even better naked."

23- I am not allowed to unhook her bra as I pass her by in the hallways. This will not improve my chances with her.

24- I must also refrain from saying 'ta-da!' every time I do that.

25- I am not allowed to start each meal by conspicuously licking all my food – no is going to steal it, and I may certainly not offer her the same 'security measure'.

26- I am not allowed to use orange traffic cones to reroute the hallways.

27- Nor am I allowed to use them to reroute the girls' dorms to the boys'.

28- I may not borrow a quill from her for each class and then chew the ends to each one. That is disgusting.

29- I am not allowed to ask Lily mysterious and vague questions, and then write her answer in a notebook and claim to be creating her psychological profile.

30- I am not allowed to practice making "owl noises" when around Lily.

31- I am not allowed to belt out the Chudley Cannon song as loudly as I can, over and over again, simply for my own pleasure.

32- I am not allowed to tell Lily that her accent isn't fooling anyway, nor am I allowed to claim that she's secretly from Zimbabwe.

33- I may not sing the Hogwart's theme song at every waking moment, stop right at the end and claim, "Oh, wait, I messed up – let me start over."

34- I may not buy her large quantities of mint dental floss for her birthday.

35- Nor may I insist she lick the flavour off each individual one.

36- I am not allowed to charm jingle bells to all her clothes just so I know where she is at all times.

37- I am not allowed to call her '_Mademoiselle_' or '_Senorita_' just to show off my linguistic techniques.

38- Nor am I allowed to refer to her as the 'Conquistador'.

39- I am not allowed to cultivate a Norwegian accent simply to look more 'worldly' in front of Lily.

40- I am not allowed to stare off into space when in conversation with someone, then randomly interrupt and say, "Wait a minute, I wasn't paying attention – start over." That is a stupid plan, and will not impress Lily; I must remember this.

41- Messy hair is not sexy; I must attempt to tame the Beast.

42- No, that was not intended to sound sexual.

43- Nor may I use this phrase around Lily.

44- I am not allowed to repeatedly ask Lily if she's wearing deodorant today. That is rude.

45- I am not allowed to follow her around and sing "Ice Ice Baby" incessantly. Especially since I don't know all the words – and no, mumbling does not make it any better.

46- I am not allowed to laugh hysterically and loudly at everything Lily says – this is quite creepy and will put her off me even more than she already is.

47- I am not allowed to phone Lily's parents and tell them I'm holding their daughter hostage.

48- Nor am I allowed to tell them that we've run off together and are 'expecting'.

49- I am not allowed to pretend to be blind.

50- Nor am I allowed to pretend to be deaf.

51- Just because Lily calls me 'mentally challenged', it does not mean I am. That is not a good excuse to skiv class.

52- Nor may I blame it on Lily when I do so.

53- I am not allowed to use the word "cornucopia" in every sentence I speak when around Lily; it does not make sense and is rather annoying.

54- I am not allowed to wear my hat backwards and say "YO, WUZZUP?!" a lot.

55- I am not allowed to drench Lily with water on hot, summer days, simply because she looks overheated. She will not be amused.

56- When walking through the hallways, I am not allowed to act like a duck.

57- This includes the common rooms and classrooms too; I must remember that Lily is not attracted to birds.

58- Nor am I allowed to act like an elephant; Lily is not attracted to them either.

59- In fact, Lily is only attracted to human men.

60- With the exception of me.

61- I am not allowed to move Lily's bookmark up three pages when she isn't looking.

62- Nor am I allowed to steal her bookmark all together.

63- I am not allowed to stand behind Lily and breathe heavily.

64- I am not allowed to reply to everything she says with, "Is that a threat?" or "Only for you."

65- I may not randomly walk up to Lily and ask her, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" before quickly walking away.

66- I am not allowed to ask "…and then what happened?" every time Lily finishes a sentence.

67- I am not allowed to sit next to her during an important class and say, loudly and at random intervals, "I have very fat fingers!" before bursting into tears.

68- I am not allowed to go the _Magical Menagerie_ with her and ask the saleswitch if the giant talking carp comes with chips.

69- This also applies to the small fish as well.

70- I am not allowed to reply to everything she says with a, "I don't see _your_ name on it!"

71- I may not charm _Star Wars_ to play repeatedly in the Girls' Dorms for 72 Hours.

72- Nor may I then, for days afterwards, carry around a plastic sword and shield and telling people that, "I must avenge the death of my father." Especially when my father is not dead yet.

73- I am not allowed to spell all her change to stick to her pillow. That is not funny, and will get me hexed.

74- I may not attempt to mispronounce her name every time I see her. I must remember that it's practically impossible to mispronounce 'Lily'.

75- I am not allowed to snicker at everything she says and say, "I got the movie reference."

76- Even when I don't know what a 'movie' is.

77- I am not allowed to loudly ask her if she's related to Michael Jackson.

78- Nor am I allowed to inform her that she has his nose and gorgeous complexion.

79- I may not, at random intervals, yell, "So… raise your hand if you want to shag me!"

80- I may not encourage Lily to 'get her sexy on'.

81- Nor may I incessantly ask her where sexy was before Justin Timberlake brought it back.

82- I am not allowed to randomly pop out of nowhere and shriek, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don't need no water let the motherf.cker burn!"

83- I am not allowed to "shake my booty" as I do this.

84- Nor may I claim, in a sexy voice, that I'd use her to smother the flames.

85- I am not allowed to randomly pop out of bushes on her morning walk and scream, "AHA! I GOT YOU!"

86- I may not, during a stretch of silence, gasp and loudly whisper; "Oh my God… you look like a frog!"

87- I am not allowed to encourage her to become a nun.

88- Nor may I claim that she looks like she'd make a good one. I must remember that nuns take an oath of chastity, and if I ever want to shag Lily senseless, she may never be a nun.

89- I am not Santa Claus.

90- Nor do I know where all the naughty girls live.

91- I must remember, that while I know where all of Sirius' exes live, that does not constitute a 'naughty list', therefore meaning I am _not_ Santa.

92- Just because I like wearing red and enjoy the occasional cookie, it does not mean I am Santa.

93- I may not bounce with excitement each time I see her.

94- Nor may I bounce in place.

95- In fact, I must remain still at all times.

96- I am not allowed to bribe the first years into following her around and singing her cheesy poems and love songs; Lily knows how green her eyes are, and how red her hair is, and does not particularly wish they were broadcasted.

97- I am not allowed to break into dance every time I see her.

98- Nor am I allowed to claim to be, "Pushing it to the limit," just because it has a vaguely sexual ring to it.

99- No that was not a challenge.

100- I am not allowed to compare Lily to the finest broomsticks around.

101- Nor may I claim that she is my other broom.

102- Mussing my hair up so it looks windswept is not sexy; I may not do that.

Remus paused, his quill hovering over the parchment, "I think that's enough. If we take any more idiotic things to do around Lily away from him, he may just die."

Sirius nodded and stole the parchment away, eyeing it with scrutiny. "The last three will be murder; he's been mussing up his hair so it would look sexy before he even knew what sexy was." He snickered, "Plus, it's funny that he refers to Lily as his 'other broom'; I'm not sure she gets the reference just yet."

"Let's not drive her to become homicidal, Sirius." Remus glared, stealing the parchment back and folding it neatly. "Think James will go along with this?" Sirius paused, thinking it over in his mind.

"Not a chance."

* * *

**Just to recap, those sites are:**

www. maraudersquill. proboards 42 .com (NO SPACES)  
www. gryffindorghost. proboards 106 .com (NO SPACES)  
www. phoenixmemory. proboards 58 .com (NO SPACES)

I promise we won't bite! Well… Sirius might, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, eh?… Yes, I am aware that I sound desperate for visitors. –grins- but you all love me despite this, yeh?

Thanks for sticking with me thus far, lovies.  
xox Carrie


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